Reality is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I am painfully becoming more and more aware of my limitations and it's not something that I take lightly. At times simple things like walking through the mall with a friend, who politely tells me I am not handicap, I am handi-capable (cute huh?).
There are times that I feel so ashamed; ashamed of my big legs, that are often hard to conceal, ashamed that I cannot walk around, without being in obvious pain, if not at the time...later for sure.
I am now entertaining the thought of using a wheelchair; however the thought of someone pushing me around literally makes me sick (as tears well up in my eyes). I have to stand (no pun intended) through this. I have too much too offer and too much to live for.
One of my many fears is eventually people will stop asking me to join them, so I push myself, sometimes beyond my limits.
I have a referral to a lymphedema clinic, which I will follow up on very soon. I am delaying it because I will have to have my legs wrapped and right now I cannot mentally handle that. It's hot outside and the layer upon layer is excruciating miserable. I imagine I will go in early September. In the mean time I will continue to wrap and do self maintenance. You might ask, well what's the difference in you wrapping and have the lyph. clinic wrap...good question. If I do it, it's in 24 hour increments, of my choosing. If the clinic wraps me then it's as long as they say (weeks usually). Big difference right?
Some body throw me a rope, I'm trying to hold on and I've lost my grip.
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