"Life"

I often speak of the fact that I am a writer, I really do love words although most times I feel like the English language cannot capture the true depth of emotion. In 1989 I had a major lost in my family and as sad as it is; I have not been able to write a song since. Well I have reached that point again.
I have a desire to write but due to emotions, internal and external pain...I struggle. The wind has been taken from my sail, therefore the infrequency's of my blogging has increased. Writing itself can be very painful therapeutic but still painful.
I have heard from several people who has read this blog, I hope that something that I have said over the past few years has inspired, encouraged and even made you smile. I try to end on a positive note even when my song is in a minor key, even when it's raining, even through my tears. So today I await the sun...oh mister sun, sun mister golden sun...please shine down on me!

"Life"

I find myself sitting in the center of my bed, not feeling very well yet alive. this time it is not lymphedema that has me feeling less than perfect but another condition that has plagued me most of my life...asthma. Unfortunately I have experienced the worse attack of my not so young life...but still I breathe. Life has taught me many lessons, one of which is profoundly do not waste your breath, when you speak...say something, even when no one seems to listen. I often think about a song that came out some years ago; the lyrics simply said tell them even if they don't believe you, tell them that I came to let them know. Well today I'm telling you. Life is precious, this is not simply a cliche'. There is something about taking a deep breath in the morning without the assistance of an inhaler or nebulizer that gives one a new outlook on life! God is good indeed He is good.
Now...let everything that has breath, praise ye the Lord

My Left Leg - A walk with Lymphedema

Ok the summer is getting to me. You know the song…swelling, pain, compression, wrapping. I have been in a very bad place (mentally) for a while now. The struggles never seem to cease. But last night I felt something slightly lifted off my shoulders. I can only attribute it to my state of mind. I am a part of a praise ministry and for about 2 hours my focus was totally on “Praise”. For that period of time I realized in all my misery that there is someone and something greater than my situation. I found myself tearing up but fought back the tears because I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to sing. That escape was like a mini vacation (smile) that I so needed.


Something in my life is changing and I want to say I don’t understand, but sadly I do understand oh to well. I am becoming more self conscious and the things that I have naturally been able to do are becoming a real struggle. Let me explain. Much of my life revolves around people, my spiritual and professional life, both involves being not just around people but in leadership positions and in front of sometimes hundreds of people. I find that I no longer want to sing solos or give presentations. I want to fade into the background.

God made me who I am. I have always been a leader and I have never pressed against that, but fear and self consciousness has overwhelmed my sense of being and it is a constant struggle to sing, speak and lead.

Lymphedema/Lipedema has made my legs grossly disfigured. It is hard to be confident when you do not feel comfortable in who you are or how you look. I try to give up and in, but the wonderful people that God has placed in my life at this time have amazing nagging skills and I am not strong enough to press against what they enforce.

Those who walk around with lymphedema, Lipedema and the likes know exactly what I’m talking about. Right now I feel like I am about 5 minutes from giving up. The good thing is-- in another couple of weeks I will write again…which simply means that I’m still holding on (smile).

This is life with lymphedema, this is my life, and this is my song…for now.

My Left Leg - A Walk with Lymphedema

Life presents many tosses and turns as well as peaks and valleys some of which we can control and other times it is just another lesson to learn...sometimes both.

This is a difficult season (in my life). As I wade through this darkness I am trying to determine if stress is in any way connected to lymphedema. Swelling and pain is ever present and playing a big part in my mental and physical status. Along with the obvious, the heaviness of my legs causes shortness of breath. I'm not depressed just tired. After a while it just gets old...very old. Notice I said season, like the seasons; it's is my prayer that this too shall pass. I hate it when I get to the point that I have nothing to look forward to. I have never been a dreamer but if I was, this current season would defer all possibilities.

Instead of giving in to the madness I am trying to maintain my daily schedule (work, church and relationships) but even they are dwindling. But I'm holding on. I do fear that when those "constants" start to unravel, I will have nothing to hold on to and find myself slipping further into darkness.

I am comforted by the scripture: For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11

My thoughts for the day---Nothing is as consistent as change.

My Left Leg-A Walk With Lymphedema

Dealing with the ups and downs of lymphedema has not and will not be easy. There will always be pebbles, stones, bricks and mountains that block my path. Now I must focus on how to avoid these pit falls. There will always be obstacles whether with lymphedema or in life but success lies in not stumbling over the same obstacle continuously.
For the last few days I have been swollen more so than usual so it's time for me to pull into the pit and refuel. Rest, elevation and wrapping are in my immediate future.
I need to find out if stress has anything to do with the flair ups. Sometimes this is too much to deal with.   
Someone came in my office today and was elated that he was alive, no matter what was said his response was..."I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and everything came out ok. So I'm blessed"
Today I am adopting that attitude.

My Left Leg - A Walk with Lymphedema

Today I feel trapped, trapped by a condition that restricts movement and restricts dreams.
There are times that I feel I am going to be ok, and then there are times that I wonder how can I continue on like this. At those times I have to dig deep, very deep inside and find strengths...you know, the strength that surpasses all understanding. I must admit, I cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel and this is one of those times. This tunnel is long with winding roads, some curves that I cannot see around, therefore cannot navigate. There are surprises that I am ill prepared to handle. Occassionally there are road blocks that I didn't know existed, until I hit them. For some reason, I didn't see warning signs. So, I find myself sitting and moving nowhere.
Although my journey is with lymphedema, I imagine you have traveled this road as well. So in that sense I do not feel alone. I often wish I could hear your stories. Not that it would make my journey any shorter or less intimidating. But it might make me feel as if there is understanding out there somewhere.
I know I'm not very encouraging today, but sometimes we need to be encouraged. And still I wait (sad face)

My Left Leg - A Walk with Lymphedema

Happy New Year to all the Lymph-ers and those who are visiting this blog!

As I begin the New Year I have many apprehensions, fears and uncertainties. But I walk into this new year with a determination that is immeasurable.

I received the new garments and my legs are feeling better, still some complications but such as life. The cold weather is whipping through me like a razor OUCH! At work I have a personal heater, just for my legs. Hey we have to do what we have to do...right? Too much heat is not good, but frozen legs are not good either. So I'm searching for comfort.

Today I celebrate a new year, tomorrow I will celebrate again and the next day the same.
The music in my life sustains me and reminds me that I have a definite purpose. Although my situation at times may seam bleak (to me) for someone else it is the knot in their rope, it gives someone hope and encouragement, it may even save a life...where does it leave you.

Jeremiah 29:11 speaks to me, listen...
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord...plans to give you hope and a future....