"Life"

I woke up a few days ago and realized I was very close to losing all hope. Even as I write this I think; am I being too dramatic, but the answer is an astounding no. This is a very real feeling accompanied by very real emotions.

There are major changes that need to happen in my life and now is not too late, although it certainly feels like it. I don't know how or when it happened but fear is slowly taking over my life. Why? Well there are health concerns, mainly lymphedema and mobility issues.

I have mentioned several times that I am a thinker, well that's good and bad. Good because I am looking forward and bad because I see the road blocks before they are right up on me, but they are road blocks non-the-less.

Today I became increasingly irritated while waiting for a parking space, I was on a University campus and realized that most young people are able to walk across campus without a problem but, as I sat double parked waiting for a handicap parking spot I asked the security guard if there was additional assessable parking...his explanation was around the corner, down the hill and about a block over. WHAT??? Did he not hear assessable? So I repeat "oh I need handicap parking", he very nicely said I understand but that's the closest handicapped parking space. My response was simply WOW. Needless to say I went from 0 to 10 in about two seconds. So I decided to just wait for a free spot. Now, here is the life altering experience. Sitting in the car with all my anger, frustration and hopelessness a woman comes out to her car, with one leg and prosthetics as if that wasn't enough to humble me. She had on shorts.

I could never clearly explain how ashamed I have been of my legs. A major part of my wardrobe planning is around how swollen my legs are that particular day. There are certain pants that I simply cannot wear if my legs are overly swollen. But there are times that they are unbelievably large. Well, even with all the swelling there is still an "S" on the end of the word leg. I have both (legs), and still I will not wear shorts, skirts or dresses. Is this vanity, hmmm I..don't...know???

Well there comes a time when we must put things in perspective. Really look at what's important and examine ourselves. When I look at myself I am seldom happy with what I see. The deformity has gotten the best of me. Today I am having trouble seeing beyond my circumstances. Tomorrow may be different, tomorrow the sun might shine or tomorrow I might just sing. But today there are clouds and today there is rain.

When you examine yourself what do you see, inside and out?