It's been more than a minute since my last writing, it's not because I had nothing to say it's simply because I couldn't find the words that expressed my true feelings. If the truth be told, I still have not found the perfect phrasing or words.
I am slowly starting to accept the fact that Lymphedema is a progressive condition, somewhat controlled but progressive non-the-less. Once again I was faced with the "can nots." I can no longer go for walks and enjoy the process. Today I have given into the "can nots" which caused a domino reaction in my emotions. I went from sad to defeated then from oh well to I can't live like this, then to anger. I later began to feel sorry for myself and decided to give up. That all happened in about an hour. Now two hours later it's time to grab my ovaries and be an adult about this, and so I shall...again
I have chosen to live, so I have to find the strength to survive in order manage this condition. It is so hard alone. Let me explain what I mean by the word "alone". This simply means, when the pain reaches it's max, I have to bear it alone, no one can feel it but me. What do I do? I look to the hills from which cometh my help. It's all I know right now.
Pain makes you tired, it depresses you, makes you angry, and it takes away your drive and so much more! So now that we have established what pain is capable of, lets try to see the positive. Somebody said all that doesn't kill you will make you stronger! No pain no gain! Well I don't know if I agree with that but I do know that the scripture says I am weak but thou art strong and I believe that. I have no problem admitting that I do not have all the answers, I do not know how to stand on my own but I rest in the words of Donnie McClurkin---After you've done all you can, just stand. Yesterday I fell, today I got up and I stand!
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