When you read my postings and walk with me through my struggles with lymphedema I believe I have painted the picture of a strong, brave and confident woman walking with a not so rare condition. Well that's me...sometimes
Let me change paint on the canvas with a picture I call "truth". This is a very lonely place to dwell, in my heart as well as in public. I cannot express the sadness I feel most of the time. But I am a Christian so I cannot let the world see the face of someone who feels less than adequate, for they would wonder where was my God. The fact is he is ever so present in my life. I cannot explain the feeling of looking like a freak and speaking to people when their attention is drawn to my legs--it's not my imagination. I want so badly to forget about this and live a "normal" life, but it's easier said than done. I need to relax and just be held, a lot like a little child needing assurance. I try to speak but even my voice fails me, I tried to write a song, but who wants to hear a song about loneliness, despair and fear (country music is not my style) (smile)?
I have a painful, progressive condition that I cannot shake. The world sees a fat woman, who (in their mind) must be eating 24 hours a day wow, silly people. So in my mind I decided I will stop eating and lose weight, then before I knew it I had subconsciously developed a habit of eating sporadically, eating less and less. How is this picture looking?
Like a awesome artist, I continue to paint the pictures that the world would like to see, then go home and look at the canvas of my life..."truth". I learned how to "mask" my feelings a long time ago...to take the mask off would require a very skilled surgeon. And still I walk with my head high, bright eyes, broad smile and present to the world, the me that you see.
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